


My Only Sunshine

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Improv, Points of View, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-28
Updated: 2005-06-28
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:22:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: As long as you live and breathe, you will never understand what exactly Justin sees when he looks at you.





	My Only Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

**A/N** : OMG, this sucks. But I have like zero self-respect anyways LOL Still, people, beware, cause this is unbeta'd. Sometimes I procrastinate real bad, so I didn't have the time to ask my beta to check it out. All mistakes are my own, so I'm sorry in advance for it. :( If you haven`t seen ep #507, there might be possible spoilers for you. Plus, this is a 2nd person Brian POV. :) Sorta an ep 507 gap-filler.  
Feedback is more than welcome and shall be utterly & eternally appreciated, as always. *g*  
This was written for On Impulse community - **Improv #14** : prism, decade, invincible, spitting, chocolate

* * *

As long as you live and breathe, you will never understand what exactly Justin sees, when he looks at you. A protector? A hero? Or someone in need of saving? You're clueless as you've always been. Sure, as much as you would like to believe your own fairytales, your character is as flawed as it gets. And when the sun sinks beneath the horizon, dragging your honesty bone out into the freezing autumn darkness, there are exactly two things that make your entire little life worth living. 

First is Gus. Your baby boy.

When Linds put that little person into your hands, his body so tiny it could almost fit into a palm of your hand, you were completely bawled over. If anyone really wanted, they could knock you over with the feather. Truth be told, you were fricking terified out of your mind! That you'd drop him. Or break him. Hell, probably even both. And most likely, not in that exact order.

What you didn't count on was all the love. Shit… The amount of love you felt for that little boy since that night is… simply unfathomable. You didn't think you had it in you. You really didn't. But, you did it anyway. You walked right into a fire. 

For Gus, you'd do it again in a heartbeat. No question about it.

The second, of course, is Justin. 

Again, you didn't count on the love. It was just there. Not a damn thing you could do about it. And even just a minute ago, when you were so fucking sure that another heartbreak was just waiting around a corner, but were still hoping against hope…

He is still all you know.

And you learned couple things from knowing Justin. Actually, you learned so much, that you'd be able to write a damn thesis about life, love and how to stop being an idiot to your lover 24/7, but that's a completely different bowl of cherries. And 90 % of those things are in total opposition to your "religion", so you you simply try to ignore them. But, some of those facts still apply in life and you probably wouldn't learn them from anyone else. Wouldn't even care for it.

 

*~*~*

 

_Fact of life #1 : Love hurts. Always._

 

When that baseball bat was high in the air, all you could think about was your old man. Pathetic, right? Not that you can actually remember your damn father ever using it on your back, although the man was far from the amateur category in that particular sport. But, still, at that horrible moment, right before the wood connected with Justin's forehead, you thought of the long deceased Jack fucking Kinney. The King of domestic violence himself. Talking about traumatized… And then, you just knew. There will never be another man you'd ever love the way you love Justin Taylor. And it hurt like a motherfucker. 

Holding it all inside. Your own cowardice forbidding you to let him have it all. Maybe even let him know, that there was nothing even remotely **invincible** about Brian Kinney. 

Because, all it actually took to break you was a bright smile and a white scarf, drowned in blood. 

To this day, you wish you could think back to that magical night and convince yourself that the burgundy color of the scarf is only wine. Or perhaps a glass of pink champagne two of you shared between dances, and in an incident of a happy, but hurried make-out session, spilled all over the place, while your tounges touched and heavy breaths mingled. 

But it never works.

And you know you will never be the same.

 

*~*~*

 

_Fact of life #2 : Best friends aren't always happy campers, when you fall in love._

 

Interestingly enough, you never realized how much Justin entering the equation would change the dynamics of your friendship with Michael. Of course, you're the one who usually chooses to ignore most obvious things, Things that stare you in the face. 

The moment Justin entered your life, new rules of that friendship thrusted themselves upon both of you and Michael. And lately, it seems only one of you dealt with it the way it should've been dealth with. The really sad thing is, that _one_ isn't you.

Even after five years, your entire perception of your, well, lets be honest for once, relationship with Justin is completely scewed. Miles nad miles off the chart.

You're still not sure what you're supposed to do to correct that. Or you just choose not to. Even if it just might cost you everything.

 

*~*~*

 

_Fact of life #3 : Blue eyes and sunshine smiles are a Brian Kinney's kryptonite._

 

Truthfully, it's hard to explain it to anyone who hasn't lived your life. And that's about everyone on this planet. Of all the wrong things you learned, of all good things you were never thought. Of love nonexistant.

As a consequence, you were literally lost to Justin right from the start. And that's the real truth. Sure, Mikey and the rest of your friends always thought you fought tooth and nail against caring for him. But, the irony of it is, you never really had the choice in the matter.

Not that you'd change a damn thing.

Still, you never had the knowledge to fight against something like that. Against _love_.

How can you fight against something you don't know anything about? It's almost like walking in the dark. One foot in front of the other, your hands blindly touching the walls you're not able to see. 

Looking for a fucking clue to what the hell is going on inside of you. 

And you didn't even recognize it at the beginning. 

That flash of annoying warmth streaming through your body every damn time you'd see him. Embraced him. Kissed him.

To you, it was like a more than hesitant look through a **prism** , expecting one thing and getting something completely different. You can only imagine the disappointment Justin feels right now. It's as if you don't even have to work at it anymore. Your mouth spews the crap out all on its own. 

Making you aware of the glaringly obvious fact, that what you've been doing lately is like **spitting** in the eye of everything Justin believes and wants. From life. From you. But, how in the hell can you explain to him that the cancer fucking scared you to death? That his love scares you shitless? Even five years later?

How can you only now, after all this time, admit to being a fucking coward?

More than likely, you'll regret it all down the road. Just as you always did. God, it seems as if all your regrets came to life when he came into your life. 

Were you really that coldhearted before? That aloof only a lifetime ago?

The answers to those questions scare you even more. 

You'll be the first to say it, even if it's only in your own mind. Because you always feared that, that time might just knock on your doors again. And you'll admit to yourself freely, that half a **decade** of his loving isn't nearly enough to get you through the remaining years of your pathetic existence. Just as you're not at all sure if you'll ever be brave enough to tell him what he really means to you. How much stronger your life with him made you. 

Stronger than you've ever been before. 

How safe you felt in his arms every damn step of the way.

But, like hundred times before, you will probably just smirk, all superior and patronizing, keep quite and accept your daily punishment. Little by little acquiring a life of regrets, that tell you what you always knew. 

That you're just not worth the effort.

 

*~*~*

 

_Fact of life #4 : There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm._

 

After all, you always suspected it couldn't last forever. Dark clouds have been gathering above your head for a while now, and heavy rains will fall again, flooding all your banks and breaking your chipped away dams. Pulling you deep under the surface. And you deserve it all. You are painfully aware of that. It seems you are standing glued in the same fucking space, no matter how much you run. How much you fight yourself. The walls just keep coming closer and you can't, for the life of you, catch a breath, no matter how much you try.

And you so desperately wish you could see yourself through Justin's eyes. Just once. Feel on your skin the unending burn of his touch, of his love. Just the way he gives it to you. _So pure and true._ Along with all those **chocolate** kisses he always bestows upon you on some random saturday afternoon, while you camp out in each others arms on the sofa.

His words still keep ringing in your ears. 

_They why are we still doing this, if we both know it's never gonna work?_

And all you wanna do is shout and scream, and cry your bleeding heart out, as all the required flowery words of eternal love lose their way in your throat. Suffocating you.

Taking your breath away…

And you can't help but again wonder… Are you worth the effort? Were you ever? 

Would the life as you know it end with a bang? Or with a whimper? Can you ever really turn your back to the sweet sunshine and walk straight into the storm? Because every passing moment is pulling you further and further away from ever being ready to say goodbye to him.

And from where you stand, things are not looking good at all. Sadly, you have the strangest feeling it just might be all downhill from here. But, this time, it might be too late for Rage to swoop in and save the day. For something like that, a superhero would be needed, and you simply lack the qualifications for the job.

You always have.

Probably always will.


End file.
